The Bs: The female side of polyamory

By J&K

The women in 2bi2 carried the weight in jumpstarting this poly adventure.

Curiosity guided us to search for answers because how can one be sexually attracted to their husband, yet fantasize about other women? Was there something wrong with us? The internet has a lot to say, but what was the initial confirmation? How can you even really know if you’re bisexual until you have a relationship with the same sex?

We both discovered in different ways, the feelings and attractions. And have learned what it takes to bind the quad whilst still having our own personal relationship.

This quad is the first time either of us have been in a full-fledged bisexual relationship. In so many ways it cemented what we thought and were discovering about ourselves.

K: I’ve been in a relationship with C for 12 years, but somewhere along the way, I began to embrace my attraction to females. First, only in my head (and porn). When we talked about opening our relationship, the possibility of dating a lady actually became a reality. I felt bisexual, but I also felt like I couldn’t really say that out loud until I had dated a woman. I don’t feel like that’s everyone’s truth, but it was part of my narrative. In so many ways, dating J has made me feel like there’s nothing wrong with me. I knew I didn’t need the confirmation of my bisexuality, but it was still comforting to be so honest with myself about it. It’s really special to share this experience with C as well.

J: I didn’t claim the word, bisexual. I didn’t even think about it being a word to describe what I was feeling. It’s funny that it didn’t take hold until another friend of mine poured her heart out to me about her bisexuality. It left a floating question about what I was do when I was in a marriage with a man. I had been with other women before that, but then could I have a whole intimate and lasting relationship with a woman? My heart felt like I could, but then you can’t know until you actually live it. I approach sex as a healing action. Though I enjoy it all the time, I feel like I want to use it for it’s good nature instead of the way we’ve been taught to look at it. Even still it’s almost easier to have a relationship with K compared with the men. I get to have a friend that totally relates to me but then share intimate moments I’ve always desired with women. We understand our thought processes when sometimes the men do not. Being with one another in such a close knit setting allows us to bond and feel sensuality in a different way than with the men.

Through our quad we were able to embrace our bisexuality. We were able to shape our own, distinct relationship separate from the men. We each have a female ally with which to walk our new path.

Dating in the lady side of the quad

The biggest differences between our relationship and our individual relationships with the men is that it seems to take less work to maintain. We seem to be more trusting, perhaps because we have a shared experience of being a woman.

K: “Our first lady date, a tour of a historic building, made me so nervous. I didn’t know if I should hold her hand or how to handle the kiss at the end. I was so awkward.”

But there’s nothing like just jumping in the deep end of the pool. In just a month or so, we had hurdled most of the anxiety and could hold hands. Eventually we could even kiss in public. Which is a bit of a scary thing when you live in a red state.

The sex was an altogether different hurdle. J was smart here, and made sure our first experience was just with ourselves, instead of with the men as a quad. We needed to share that special time, to build something of our own. We experimented until we eventually found a few tools we love, including this friendly helper (link NSFW), and this eco-friendly, healthy lube.

J: Perhaps that’s also the friendship part of it. A woman that menstruates and has the same feelings makes our bond different, but unique. A man will keep his focal point on your body, your sex. He may not always be emotionally in tune because he just wants to fuck. With K, there’s no pressure. Being emotional creatures we feel needy or even hostile without an outlet or someone to actually understand your perspective. With K, I have someone that says, no. No you’re not crazy. You’re not hyper emotional, you’re a woman. We’ve been taught for so long that it’s a bad thing. But, we are also intelligent and strong. It’s been wonderful to be able to be directed back to that truth. When one of the men cannot see where I’m coming from, I always know that at least K will. Even if I’m just running on intense emotions, she understands.

Embracing bi life

“I mean, come on: At the end of the day, we’re all bisexual. A hundred years from now, there’s not going to be gay or straight. There’s going to be everything” — Nicolas Stoller.

More and more we’ve been talking about and embracing our bisexual nature. We’ve talked about it on Instagram and attended a local bi night, a monthly gathering of bisexual-identified people in our area. We’ve even decked out our bags and jackets with bi flag patches and pins.

Talking with other bi people, attending LGBTQ events, and just being able to talk about it out loud with our friends instill us with a sense of community. We already live a lifestyle that’s different from the vast majority. Finding people who identify with us even in just this way is so important. It gives us comfort and hope that there are more people out there just like us.

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